


Fade Away

by unknowableroom_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gen, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-01-20
Updated: 2007-05-06
Packaged: 2019-01-19 02:24:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 6,136
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12401175
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unknowableroom_archivist/pseuds/unknowableroom_archivist
Summary: Lily and James. Lily and Sirius. Perfect, predictable. Exciting, unexpected. [Chapter Seven - Baby (Part Two of Two)]





	1. I love you

**Author's Note:**

> Note from ChristyCorr, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Unknowable Room](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Unknowable_Room), a Harry Potter archive active from 2005-2016. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project after May 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Unknowable Room collection profile](http://www.archiveofourown.org/collections/unknowableroom).

**Fade Away**

*

A/N: Ok. This is my first attempt at writing Fan Fiction, so please bear with me. It’s basically about James and Sirius and Lily’s relationships with both of them. The chapters will all be the same style(-ish). Please review. If you really feel the need, then you can flame me, but hopefully not. 

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Although I would like to point out that my initials are the same as JKR’s.

*

“Lily. I bet you know why I brought you here. You’re so clever like that. You always know…stuff. Anyway. I better get on and just say it. I love you Lily. You know that don’t you? I love you more than anything. More than…more than home. More than school. More than my family. More than Sirius. More than…air. I love you Lily, ‘cause to me you _are_ air. I need you. And I can’t bear to think what I’d be without you. Because to me, you are perfect.”

Lily knew that James loved her. Of course she knew. He had never said it yet, but she knew. She knew by the way he stared at her in lessons. She knew by the way he talked to his friends about her. She knew by the way he had prepared and delivered that oh-so-predictable-speech. 

But she didn’t love him. She didn’t want to say what he wanted her to say. So she did the thing she knew would shut him up. She kissed him.

But suddenly, he pulled away, her fore-arms still in his hands.

“Do you love me?”

No. She didn’t. But he loved her.

“Yes, James. I love you.”

She kissed him, so that he didn’t see the soft frown, and the tear roll down her cheek.

*

“Lily?”

Sirius hand tilted her chin gently so she faced him. 

“I love you.”

This, she had not expected.

But then, she thought. She did not expect it, but she understood it. It was so unpredicted. So simple. So stylish. So sudden. So _Sirius_.

“I love you too, Sirius. _I love you_.”

She just looked at him, into his eyes. Nothing to hide. 


	2. A Dress

**Fade Away**

 

**A Dress  
**

“Ok, so you don’t have to keep this, and if you don’t like this, it’s fine… I mean, I won’t mind at all…well, obviously I’d rather you kept it…but only if you like it and if it fits…I mean, it’ll probably fit but it might be too small-”

“James,” Lily touched a finger to his lips, “You’re mumbling.”

He grinned bashfully. 

“I bought you a dress.”

He held up a pink gift bag. It was from Marionette’s. Marionette’s was Lily’s favourite store, but needless to say, she didn’t own a single item from there – it was all ridiculously expensive. She wondered how James knew she liked it. He certainly hadn’t seen her wearing anything from there. He must have picked it up from a conversation they had in Fourth Year. She hadn’t even been aware he was listening. 

She took the bag from him. “James, this must have cost-”

“Shh. Just go try it on.”

Biting her lip, she took the bag from his outstretched hand and rushed into the bathroom. She slipped on the dress and slowly opened the door.

James just stared. “You look…”

He couldn’t seem to find the word. Eventually, he said simply, “perfect.”

Smiling gently, Lily crossed the room and looked at herself in the floor length mirror. The dress was a floor length halter-neck gown, in a beautifully rich deep purple colour. It fitted over the gentle curves of her breasts, slid over her slim stomach and hips and flared out ever so slightly at the bottom. It revealed most of her back, and the material only started at the very small of her back. The neckline, which was plunging but not too revealing, was encrusted with two rows of diamonds on either side. She didn’t doubt that they were real, nor did she dare think about how much it must have cost him.

She saw James approach from behind her and slip his hands around her waist. He planted a soft kiss on her exposed shoulder and for the briefest of moments, Lily’s eyes fluttered shut. 

She turned around to face him. “James, I can’t keep this.”

“Oh. Do you not like it?”

“No, no, no. It’s not that at all. It’s just… it must have cost you _so much_.”

“Lily. Listen to me. Just seeing you looking like this, even for one second, makes it all worth it. Please keep it. For me.”

“Ok,” she whispered, resting her head against his chest. He placed his chin on the top of her head. 

“Just promise me one thing.”

“What?” she asked into the folds of his shirt.

“Go with me to the ball. And wear this.”

She grinned, and stood on tip toes to kiss him. “Ok.”

*

Lily and Sirius both sat on the bed in the empty boys’ dormitory. Sirius lay spread-eagled with his legs splayed widely, leaning back against the headboard. Lily sat cross-legged at the foot of the same bed.

Sirius reached down by the side of the bed at fished out a dark plastic bag. He threw it to Lily.

She opened it and peered inside.

“I bought you a dress.”

Lily looked up at him blankly.

“Just try it on. You don’t have to keep it.”

She rolled off the bed and began to cross the room to the adjoining bathroom, but Sirius called her name.

She turned around to see him grinning cheekily at her. “There’s nothing under there I haven’t seen before,” he said, looking her up and down, “You can change in here.”

Lily sighed and started to remove her clothes and place them on a chair. She picked up the bag and took from it a slinky plain black dress. She pulled it over her head, and tugged it down over her hips.

“Christ, Sirius,” she said, adjusting it, “You didn’t half pick something small. What size is it?”

“Eight. It’s meant to be tight.”

Well, it certainly was that. It had thin straps and a very low cut V-shaped neckline: there was no way she could wear a bra under this, half of it would be on show. It was skin tight over he stomach and hips, and stopped several inches above her knee.

“Sirius, I can’t wear this.”

“Why not?” he queried, looking her up and down again, “I like it.” He smiled broadly.

“It’s ridiculously small. It’s way too tight around my stomach. You can see all my fat hanging out-” she pinched at non-existent love handles, “And it’s way too short. If I bend down, you can see my knickers-” she did so to prove her point, “And half of my tits are on show.”

“Firstly, you don’t have any fat hanging out. Secondly, just don’t bend down. And thirdly, well – that’s why I bought the dress.”

Lily cocked her head slightly and raised her eyebrows. 

Sirius stood and walked to her. “Come on, Lils! You’ve got great tits. You should let the world enjoy them.”

“Sirius, I can’t wear it,” she said, beginning the struggle to remove her dress, “And anyway, you know I’m not going to the ball with you.”

“Yeah. I know. I just thought that, seeing as you’re going with him, you can wear a dress from me.”

Having finally pulled off the dress, she began to re-dress herself. “Sorry Sirius. James already bought me a dress. And I said I’d wear it. Sorry.”

For a flickering moment, Lily saw the look of hurt on his face, but then, suddenly, he was as before, smiling slightly, eyes blank.

“Ah well. Next year, eh?”

“Yeah. Next year,” Lily said vacantly, “Next year.”

*

**AN –** firstly, thanks to everyone who reviewed. It was much appreciated. Also, I just wanted to clear up one thing – the chapters are not sequential, and they are in a mixed up order. This will matter in later chapters.

Anyway, thanks for taking the time to read this, and please review!

Jen

XXX


	3. Smile

**Fade Away**

*****

**Smile**   


*

James Potter has four smiles, all of them real, genuine.

The first is his “Normal” smile. It’s that lopsided boyish grin. It’s one side of his face slightly squinting. It’s that smile that’s so child-like, yet so cool. It’s the smile everyone sees. It’s the smile whose use varies: a mildly amusing joke, a nice birthday present, a good exam result.

The second is his “Sirius” smile. It’s more of a laugh than a smile. It’s than huge unstoppable grin. It’s his best friend making him laugh till his sides split. It’s the oh-so-cool-lad-about-town smile. It’s the best-time-of-his-life smile.

The third is his “Girls” smile. It’s that closed-mouth, half-closed-eyes smile. It’s the possibility of a wink. It’s the smile he uses when he sees some good-looking girl checking him out. It’s the smile he uses to tease younger girls. It’s the smile which has been in pretty much every bar in London. It’s the smile that makes girls swoon. It’s the smile that makes girls talk about _James Potter_.

The fourth is his “Lily” smile. It’s that completely open, straight out grin. It’s his teeth showing, his eyes wide, his face a picture of excitement. It’s a twinkle in his eye. It’s when he looks at Lily. It’s a mix of all his other smiles, with something else in it. It’s the smile that lets Lily know he loves her. It’s the smile that lets Lily know she loves him. It’s love.

*

Sirius Black has several fake smiles.

They are the apologetic smiles, the not-very-funny-joke smiles, the flirting smiles, the wicked smiles, the thank-you smiles. 

Sirius Black has only two real smiles.

The first is his “James” smile. It’s more of a laugh than a smile. It’s a wide grin as James makes a joke. It’s that smile people occasionally see when they pass Sirius and James together in the corridor or the common room. It’s his best friend.

The second is his “Lily” smile. It’s a small smile. It’s his lips gently curling up. It’s his face slowly lighting up. It’s his teeth barely showing. It’s a smile no-one but Lily sees. It’s a smile that makes him look like a 5 year old boy and an 80 year old man at the same time. It’s a smile that, for him, means love. It’s a smile that you could easily miss. 

It’s a small smile, but it’s a real smile.

*

A/N – This chapter is slightly…odd. Sorry if the style is too repetitive and irritating to read. And if it is, be consoled by the fact that I won’t be doing one like this again.

I'll only be able to update this story weekly. There are five computer-using-people in  my house, but only one computer. (Hopefully you can understand me pain)

Review _me plait_ (as we say _en francais_ )

Jen   xxx


	4. Meet My Friends

**Fade Away**  
**Meet my friends**  
*****   


“What d’you think?” James asked, emerging from behind his closet for what felt like the millionth time. This time he was wearing baggy-ish dark jeans and a striped blue shirt.

“Stunning, James. You look gorgeous. Perfect. So glad you’re my boyfriend. All that jazz,” Lily replied, barely even taking in what he was wearing, “Can we just go now?”

James was now looking in the mirror. “I’m not sure. I think it makes me look a bit gay.”

Lily sat up. “D’you know what really makes you look gay, James? Taking one hour – _one hour_ – to get ready to go out. That’s more than me.”

“I think I’ll wear the green jumper,” James said, diving back behind the closet.

Lily buried her head in a near by pillow and groaned loudly. “For God’s sake, James. You’re just coming to meet my bloody friends. I really, _really_ don’t think they give a crap what you look like.”

James came out again, this time without a shirt, and sat beside her on the bed.

Lily wrapped her arms around his muscular chest, and kissed his arm. “I think you should go wearing this,” she breathed onto his collar-bone.

James smiled and kissed the top of her head. “I know it doesn’t really matter. I just want to make a good impression, you know. I’ve never really spent that much time with Muggles, and I don’t want them to think I’m really weird or something.”

“James. They’ll love you. So go and put on a shirt, and _let’s go_!”

*

“It’s not that I _don’t_ want to meet them. I just don’t _want_ to meet them.”

Lily had absolutely no idea what Sirius was trying to say.

“I just want them to meet you. I know they’ll like you. It’s just that I talk to them about you a lot, and they want to meet you, you know.”

“It’s not that I’m not worried they won’t like me,” Sirius replied, grinning cheekily, “Of course they’ll like me. They’re only human, aren’t they? And no one can resist my charm, my charisma, my strikingly good-looks, my supreme intelligence, my mind-boggling sex appeal, my-”

Lily cut him off before he could continue his tirade of self-praise. “Yes, yes, yes. Of course they’ll love you. They’ll fall at you’re feet because you’re just so marvellous. But why don’t you want to meet them then?”

“I guess I’d rather just spend time with you, than with your mates.”

Lily cringed at the use of the word ‘mates’. For some reason, she had always thought it sounded so…lad-ish.

“Sirius, it’ll be for like, an hour. It’s not as if we’re gonna spend a lifetime with them. And I hardly ever get to see them. But I have to see you everyday at school and-”

“Why did you say ‘have to’?” Usually, Sirius wasn’t finicky or picky like this, but where Lily was concerned, his attention to detail, and his ability to be easily wounded was astounding. 

“What?”

“Why did you say you ‘ _have_ ’ to see me everyday?”

“What? Oh I don’t know. Slip of the tongue, I guess.”

Sirius looked blank. 

“Sorry,” she said. It honestly had been a simple mistake. She hadn’t meant it like that. But she knew that if she didn’t apologise and try and make it up to him, it would become a bigger deal than it needed to be, and he would go into one of his depressive modes, and let his hair grow long, and be crying all the time, and Lily didn’t want or need that right now. 

“We’ll meet my friends another time. Sorry. Let’s just…go for a walk in the grounds or something. Sorry.”

Sirius looked up at her and smiled weakly. She took his hand in hers and kissed him briefly on the lips, remembering how much easier this had been with James.

*

A/N – it is vital for this chapter that you know that none of the vignettes or chapters are chronological, and they might not even be within the same years.

People who review go to heaven.

JEN

xxx


	5. Music

**Fade Away**

**Music**

*

“Come on, Lils,” groaned Sirius, “You can’t seriously mean that.”

“Look, it’s not like I _absolutely_ hate them. I just don’t understand why you would want to listen to that kind of…” she trailed off, unable to find the word, but then gave Sirius her best impression of a head-banging-wrist-cutting-drug-taking-lead-guitarist. 

He just laughed. 

Lily could not name many of the bands Sirius liked. Most of them were obscure-rock-group types, who no one knew about. In some ways, Sirius loved the fact that he discovered and listened to remote bands that no one had heard of. But then he’d get annoyed that he had no one to talk to about music to. He’d even get frustrated at Lily, when she didn’t “appreciate” good music. In other words, Sirius got pissed off when his girlfriend didn’t like _his_ music. 

But there were a few Lily knew of. Sirius felt that Alice Cooper and Van Halen lyrics summed up what he thought of life (but only the songs no one knew about) . He was passionate about the Sex Pistols’ tunes. And – and he admitted this without shame – Pink Floyd were the ultimate in good music. 

“Don’t laugh at me!” cried Lily in mock outrage. “And anyway. I don’t hate all your music. I like…the Sex Pistols…and, er…,” she paused, desperately trying to remember the name, “ _Pink Floyd!_ Yes! That’s it. Pink Floyd.”

Sirius laughed again.

Lily threw something at him.

*

On the surface, James’s music tastes were more or less the same as Sirius’s. He liked rock and heavy metal and barely-existent-due-to-lack-of-fans bands. That’s what everyone saw. But beneath it all, there was a secret popular-music fan. Most people didn’t know it, and you wouldn’t be able to tell unless you really knew him and had seen his music collection. The front row of vinyls was filled with rock-band types, but behind that, _there_ , was the real James, the real music fan. 

Abba was hiding behind Alice cooper; Michael Jackson was kept secret by Pink Floyd; Queen was covered up by the Sex Pistols; Billy Joel was tucked away behind Burnt Heart; but sin-against-all-sins, somewhere behind Golden Grit was his biggest secret shame – Elton John. 

There were only a few people at Hogwarts who would admit to being a _real_ Elton John fan, and all of them were dorky first-years. A few people covered up the fact that they liked this “embarrassingly awful” – in Sirius’ words – “gay loser”, but most people really did think he was indeed “embarrassingly awful”. James however was a passionate fan. But being a passionate Elton John fan was not cool, and _definitely_ not how James wanted everyone to think of him. So when Candle In The Wind, or Don’t Let The Sun Go Down On Me, or Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word would come on the radio, he would shout something like “Oh, turn this crap off,” even though he was singing along to every single word in his head. 

*

A/N – I really don’t know whether they have their own bands in the magical world, but I bloody well hope not, as this chapter has taken  ages to write, seeing as I had to look into all of the bands and see whether they were around/famous etc. and had to ask my dad about some of the more obscure rock bands, who have now faded into nothingness. 

This chapter is dedicated to my parents: my dad is an Alice Cooper and Golden Grit fan through and through, whereas my mum is always will be and Elton John supporter.

Love and joy to one and all

(By the way, reviews bring me love and joy)

JEN

Xxx

(And by the way, this chapter _is_ set at Hogwarts, and I know EJ didn’t officially come out until after Lily, James and Sirius had left Hogwarts, but anyone with any sense knew that he way gay anyway)


	6. Baby - Part One

**Fade Away  
**

**Baby**  
*****   


This is part one of Baby. Part two will come out soon (hopefully).

*

James was sitting in one of the corner tables of The Three Broomsticks, happily watching couples bustle in and out of the door. It was the middle of winter, so the flow of people was heavy. 

He was still smiling when the bell above the door shook gently and Lily began to wind her way through tables towards James. She flopped down onto the seat opposite him. 

James was grinning like a lunatic.

Lily was less than impressed. 

“James, I’m late.”

“Yeah, but only by like…” he checked his watch, “ten minutes.”

“No, James. I’m late.”

“What?” James was utterly confused. 

Lily could tell from the gormless look on his face, so she made it slightly more obvious.

“James. I’m _late_.”

“Wha-?” He had finally cottoned on. “Oh fuck. You mean you’re…”

Lily nodded simply.

“When did you…I mean when did _we_ …how did this… Shit. I really don’t know what to say.”

“That’s a first,” Lily mumbled. In hindsight, it was the lamest comment she had ever made. 

A sudden look of realisation crossed James’ face. 

“Hold on. How do you know you’re…” he swallowed hard, “pregnant? I mean how do you _know_?”

Lily had not expected the question but she was not thrown by it. “Well, I’m late – that means my period, James, not my timing – and _that_ hasn’t happened since I was like, twelve. I’m getting morning sickness and I don’t go into the Great Hall at meal times cause the smell makes me puke as well. And look,” she grabbed both of James’ hands and put them on her breasts, “feel my boobs.”

“Um…they’re, er…lovely,” he said genuinely, but unsure why he was feeling her boobs in public. “Gorgeous as ever. Slightly bigger, even.”

“Exactly,” she said, throwing his hands back down again, “They’ve swelled up but they’re really tender. I know it’s hard to face, but I am pregnant. Definitely.”

“But, you can’t be. I mean, we used a condom.”

This, Lily had been expecting. “Yeah, well, sometimes they don’t work.”

“Yeah, I guess,” he replied absently. “So what are you – I mean, what are _we_ – going to do?”

“What d’you mean? With the baby?”  
James cringed at the use of the word. “Please don’t say that.” 

“What? Baby?”

“It’s not a baby. It’s just a…bundle of cells. In there,” he pointed vaguely at her stomach, a pained look on his face.

“Yeah,” Lily said, very slowly, “But it _will be_ a baby when it grows and when I give birth to it.” She enunciated every word very clearly, so James would not miss anything. 

“So you definitely want to keep it? You’re sure?”

Lily couldn’t believe she was hearing this. “James, what are you talking about? Of course I’m keeping it. Why would you-”

James cut her off, “I’m just saying that you should…think this through _properly_. I mean, think about it – you’re young, you’re beautiful, you’re intelligent. You’ve got your whole life ahead of you. If you have a…a baby, that all ends. You can’t get a good job, you won’t make enough money, you-”

“But you’ll be there to help me, and our parents can-”

“Shit. My parents. They’ll kill me.” It was as if James had just remembered that they existed. 

“James. I’m not going to kill our baby. This is a part of me. It’s a part of us. I can just…destroy it.”

There were tears behind James eyes. She desperately hoped he would not cry.

He said softly, “But it will ruin everything. It will tear us apart. We’ll end up being one of those young couples who gets pregnant, gets married and gets divorced, all in the space of two years. I couldn’t bear that. I don’t want to lose you because of…some…mistake.”  
”Yes, James, it was a mistake. But it’s _our_ mistake. It’s part of us, James. We can’t just kill a part of ourselves, just because it’ll get in the way of my career, or just because you can’t bear to tell your parents, or just because it will make us…” She trailed off, unable to say it.

“But that’s just it, Lily. It’ll destroy _us_. I don’t want to lose you.”

Lily stood up.

“No, James. _That’s_ just it. If you keep telling me to kill this baby, then you really will lose me.”

*

Lily and Sirius sat opposite each other in some remote corner of the school grounds. Sirius was still unsure as to why he had been summoned so urgently. It was a rare event that Lily Evans would skip a class, and an even rarer event that she would _encourage_ Sirius to do so. But he didn’t mind. He was happy just to be sitting here with her.

“So what did you wanna talk about?” Sirius asked.

Lily wasn’t sure how to phrase this now. She had been planning on using the more subtle “I’m late” approach, but seeing as that had been just a bit too much for James to handle, she decided just to tell him straight out.

“I’m pregnant.”

That seemed to wipe the smile off his face pretty quickly. “Fuck.” 

Silence.

“Does James know?” 

“Yeah,” she said and then added quickly, “But he doesn’t know it might be yours. So don’t tell him.”  
Sirius laughed slightly. “Are you kidding? He’d rip me to pieces.”

Another lengthy silence. 

“So what are you going to do?” Sirius’ voice was different than usual. Each word seemed…detached, from the next. “With the…the baby?”

“I’m keeping it. And you can have as much or as little to do with it as you want.”

“Lily, are you sure? I mean about keeping it?”

“Oh, please don’t start this. I just had to go through all this with James and-”

“Sh,” Sirius said gently. He took both of her hands in his and rubbed them gently. “I wasn’t saying _don’t_ keep it. I was just asking you to…think about it.”

It was Lily’s turn to laugh. “That’s exactly what James said.”

“Look, Lily. If you’ve made up your mind, then I know there’s no way of changing it so…ok. Actually, could be a real good thing. I can’t wait to see the look on my parents’ face when I tell them.”

 “Thanks, Sirius. Just, don’t tell James,” Lily said softly, staring into her lap.

Neither of them said anything. They just sat, absorbed in their own thoughts, pleased at the company of the other.

Lily was jerked from her thoughts when she heard Sirius laugh wryly.

She looked up. “What?”

“Nothing,” he said, “I was just thinking it’s weird to think how easily this whole thing could have been avoided.”

“I know,” Lily said.

“We really should have used a condom.”

“Next time, eh?”

She shuffled over to where Sirius was sitting, and curled herself up in his lap. She wrapped her arms around his waist as he cradled her gently. She was glad to be here, with him. She needed someone to hug her. She needed to feel warm. She needed someone to hold her close as she cried. She needed to be a child again, if just for the briefest of moments. She needed someone else to take control. She needed to be loved.

*

A/N – hoped you liked the chapter.

By the way, Lily is **_not_** pregnant with Harry. (Well, obviously, seeing as the time scale is all wrong.) 

This is not the end of this chapter/bit/story. The second part will resolve what happens (as we all know that Lily _doesn’t_ have a baby when she’s eighteen).

Reviews rock my world.

Love 

JEN xxx


	7. Baby - Part Two

**Fade Away**

**Baby – Part Two**

*****

Lauren was sitting cross-legged on her bed as Lily laid back her head in Lauren’s lap. Lauren twirled Lily’s hair around her finger as locks of red hair tumbled down onto her legs. 

“I just don’t know what the fuck I’m going to do. I can’t believe I was so stupid. If only I had just used a stupid bloody fucking condom. I just…” Lily sat up abruptly and threw a nearby pillow at the wall. 

Lauren nodded sympathetically. She was the only one Lily spoke to about her problems. She was the only one who knew _everything_. Lily had decided to tell her because of two things. Firstly, Lauren was known as the – she couldn’t find a nice way to put it – slut, of their year, and Lily knew that Lauren couldn’t and wouldn’t judge her for any of it. And secondly, there was no one who Lily regarded as being a Close Friend, so by default, no one she could share her Deepest And Darkest Secrets with. 

“I know, honey,” she murmured, “But, you know, I reckon you should think about…now don’t take this the wrong way, but maybe you should just _consider_ the _possibility_ of getting rid –”

“Marelene, don’t even _start_ this. You know that there’s no way I’m getting rid of this baby. It’s completely unethical. It’s destroying my baby, Marls. _My baby_. And I’m Catholic and even if I wasn’t –”

“Ok, ok. I’m sorry. Come here.” Lily returned to her place resting in Lauren’s lap and closed her eyes. 

Almost immediately, however, the girls heard the sound of footsteps thundering up the stairs to the girls’ dormitory. No girl ran like that. Again, Lily sat up abruptly, ignoring the throbbing head rush. The door flew open – Lily was surprised it didn’t break off its hinges – and James was standing in the doorway panting.

He just stood for a moment, gazing into the dormitory, looking like the young lost boy he was. He said nothing for a while and then, “Hi, Lily.” He tilted his head slightly to one side and smiled at her fondly. His gaze suddenly flicked to Lauren and it was as if he had just realised that there was another person in the room. “Er, hi, Lauren.”

Lauren grinned madly at him and batted her eyelids. “Hi, James.”

Lily watched as the two exchanged glances: on Lauren’s part, wildly flirtatiously and on James’ part, excruciatingly awkward.

Lily coughed lightly and James returned his attention to her. “I need to talk to you,” he glanced at Lauren, “Alone.”

“Oh, it’s ok Jamesie – sorry – _James_ ,” she said, ridiculously gleefully. “Lils told me. Everything.”

Pause. Silence. Lily looked blank. James looked at Lily. Lauren gazed at James. 

“Yeah, but I kind of need to…” he trailed off.

Pause. Silence.

“ _Lauren_ ,” said Lily, pointedly.

Lauren glared at Lily. Then she turned to grin at James. “Would you excuse us for a minute James?”

James made what he hoped was an expression of incredulity. He looked to Lily for guidance, but she just shrugged. James stepped outside, closing the door gently behind him. 

Lauren immediately launched into one of her rants, but because she knew James would be standing just outside the door, instead of the usual high-pitched yelling, she whispered which, bizarrely, seemed to make it even more intimidating. “Lily, what the hell are you thinking? How can you lead him on like that? He _loves_ you Lily, and I know you hate it when he tells you that all the time because you don’t know what to say, but _he loves you_. And to be honest, it’s bloody selfish of you not to love him back, and even worse, then to go off with bloody Sirius and carry on with your whole love act with James. You don’t understand how many girls would _kill_ to be in your position: you’re dating _James Potter_. And even more, he’s in _love_ with you. Do you have _any idea_ how much having a baby would ruin everything for him? What his family would think? What would happen to his career, his life? Of course you don’t, because you _don’t_ care. But you know what? It doesn’t matter anyway, because all you can fucking do with everything he does for you is have sex with him occasionally and the rest of the time, treat him like he’s just _some guy_. Because all you fucking care about is your fucking self and how much of a _problem_ everything is. And you’re so wrapped up in yourself that you don’t even realise how shit you make him and everyone else feel. You’re a bloody selfish bitch, Lily Evans.” 

Lily just sat silently. She didn’t say anything during Lauren’s speech, nor did she say anything afterwards. She just watched as Lauren exited the room, shoving past James and slamming the door. 

James stared in wonder after Lauren as she fled down the stairs. _Girls_. He peered into the bedroom ands saw Lily looking utterly forlorn, sitting alone on the bed, elbows on her knees, head in her hands. He moved to the bed and sat behind her, spreading his legs on either side of her. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her into him, so that she was curled up against his chest. 

“Merlin, Lily,” he rested his chin on her head. “I’m so, _so_ sorry. I can’t bear this.”

He tenderly pulled her away from him so that she sat facing him. “Lily. I would do anything for you. Anything. If that means keeping this baby and having to leave school and get a job working in a bloody shop or something, then fine. So be it. As long as I can be with you, then fine.” 

He shuffled to her once again and held her tightly, warmly in his arms. 

“I love you.”

It surprised both of them that for once, this had come from Lily’s lips, not James’. James could not remember Lily ever having said the L-word to him spontaneously, as opposed to just reciprocation.

“I love you too, Lily. Forever and always.”

*

Lily and Sirius stood facing each. Lily leaned against a tree and looked out over the lake, whilst Sirius paced up and down, throwing anxious glances at her. 

“What is it, Sirius?” she asked, not looking at him. 

He stopped pacing and looked straight at her. She turned slowly to face him.

“Don’t keep it. Get rid of it, Lily. This…thing. It’ll ruin you life Lily. Yours and James’…seeing as how you’ve told him it’s definitely his. You’ll leave school so you can look after it. And James will end up leaving school too because he’s so desperately in love with you and…and because…he’d have to be a complete idiot to lose you over this. So you’ll end up both leaving school, getting shit jobs and getting married in a couple of years, and then within another fucking year you’ll be divorced and I won’t be able to spend time with either of you because James’ll be too depressed and you’ll be officially Off Limits.” Sirius paused, looking deep into Lily’s eyes. “And if that isn’t enough to convince you to get rid of this then…then, think of me. Can you imagine what I’ll have to go through? Seeing my child…knowing that it’s _my_ son, and seeing you and James playing happily families. I couldn’t bear it Lily. Please, Lily…Please.”

Lily said nothing. She turned on her heel and walked back towards the castle.

“Shit,” muttered Sirius. “Lily!” he called after her. “Lily, I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

She carried on walking. 

*

Lily lay on the small narrow table in the small surgery room. She could feel the cold leather on her skin where her hospital gown was hitched up.

The doctor said in soothing tones, “So what I’m going to do now, Lily, is-”

“Um. Can we not do this please? The whole talking thing,” she choked out.

The doctor just nodded slightly. She’s been doing this for years, so she knows how it works differently for different girls. Some want you to distract them. Some want you to explain everything. Some want you to convince them that they’re doing the right thing and everything will be ok. Others – like this one – just want to ignore it, act like it’s not happening, not real. 

Lily laid her head back and tried to convince herself that she was doing this for herself. She tried to convince herself that she was doing this because she was a beautiful, intelligent young woman and because she couldn’t destroy her career. She tried to convince herself that she was doing this because she couldn’t bear the look on her mother’s face. She tried to convince herself she couldn’t do this because of the way everyone – her teachers and peers – would think of her now. She tried to convince herself that she was doing this to help James.

But more importantly than what she tried to convince herself of, was what she didn’t dare admit to herself – the real reason she was doing this. She didn’t dare admit that she was doing this to save herself from having to look at Sirius’ face as she told him. She didn’t dare admit that she was remembering Sirius’ brief yet heartfelt plea instead of James’. She didn’t dare admit that she was doing this to save Sirius’ heart from breaking, from her own doing, all over again. 

* 

A/N – hope you liked the chappie. I’m so _so_ sorry it took me so long to (A) write and (B) post. (A) is because I’ve had a lot of stuff going on recently (it’s too long a story to write it all down) and (B) is because my damned Mac broke. God, I hate computers. 

Please read and review. 

Oh, and watch out for my next story (Remus and Sirius), coming soon. 

Love and hugs and kisses

Jen

xxx 


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